Crown Me

I was so excited, I practically threw my ID at him.

It was my very first purchase of an alcoholic beverage at a bar. Legally, I mean. And I wasn’t paying for it.

“What do you want?” my friend, Roy, said, removing a $20 bill from his wallet.

“Something strong. Got any suggestions?” I asked the bartender.

I can’t exactly remember the name of the drink, but it was something with the word “vagina” in it.

I recoiled, but Roy thought it was hilarious and insisted I drink it.

As it turned out, the drink was delicious, and so were the kamikazes I got from two cute boys who offered them after inquiring about the king’s crown I was wearing.

My crown was luxurious, but heavy. And in combination with my impaired balance, it fell off my head and crashed to the ground at various points in the night.

As Roy and I began to leave the bar, one of my housemates was walking in. She grabbed my arm and spun me back around.

“Let me buy you a drink, Your Highness,” she said.

“But I just had one.”

“Come on! You’re 21!”

I agreed to a beer, but told her we had to get out of that bar. Drinks were coming at me from all directions and I wanted to space them out a little. Besides, I didn’t want to spend the entire night on a barstool.

We exited the bar and entered the club. Finally returning to all of my friends on the dance floor, I started dancing with them before a tall drag queen approached me and pinched my nipple.

“I like your crown,” she said.

“Thanks. I’ve been 21 for an hour now.”

She removed my crown, put it on and started dancing away.

“Give that back!” I said, laughing at first. But she didn’t seem like she was ready to return it. I reached for it, but she held it away from me with her long arm. She knew how drunk I was and thought she could get a free crown out of it.

I finally managed to get it from her.

“Bitch,” I said, annoyed.

Shortly after, she came back with an apology drink. It was green and had Pop Rocks on the rim. It was so sweet, I couldn’t resist.

“There isn’t a roofy in here, is there?”

She laughed and took off.

I decided to take a cigarette break with Roy. Once I got outside, I realized how intoxicated I was. I had earlier won two games of beer pong at my house and each of my good friends had insisted on taking personal shots with me.

I decided I would hold myself together for another hour.

Back inside the club, I was given birthday shot after birthday shot. People see you wearing a crown and they insist on buying you something alcoholic.

I probably should have stopped at some point. But I didn’t come to that realization until I woke up the next afternoon after hearing my roommate’s girlfriend react to the sight of my puke all over the bathroom. I didn’t recall doing it, but my crown was sitting next to the toilet.

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